my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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