But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
