Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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