if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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