Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
