I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
