Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
