WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
