Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
