So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
