i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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