Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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