I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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