Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
