Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
