My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize