i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I touched a dick in church today
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
