Just fell off a train. Bad.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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