just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
