she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
