considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
it's like iHOP with fire
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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