Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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