consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
