he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
