Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
