Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
