Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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