planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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