i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
