life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
