my room smells like sperm. sweet.
barbara walters just said penis...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
