My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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