She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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