dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You need a sexual gate keeper
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
