Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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