Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
