This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
