Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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