my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
it's like heaven, but drunker
We are two peas in an std pod
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
