i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
