my sisters under your porch take her home
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Let's paint friendship bongs
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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