my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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