Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
