Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
