It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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