Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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