I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
