we're blogging at a bar
I checked into jail on foursquare
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
