my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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