I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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