when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize