she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i came on her dog
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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