I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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