I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
