take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize