used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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