Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
