and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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