I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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