yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
