How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
