I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize