Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
