Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
