You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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