my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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