Got a toothbrush?
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
