I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
