i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
